This is the description for the Kunlun Fandian hotel under the “Top End” section for Harbin.

To your right as you exit the train station, this first-class hotel is an oasis of calm with a billiard room, sauna and several restaurants.

I don’t know what the reviewer’s definitions of first class and “oasis of clam” are, but I’m sure not floating in an oasis of calm right now. Besides all the honking outside, the room is smoky and dingy and making me itchy. First class? Perhaps compared to the rickshaws I saw a couple blocks behind the hotel.

Also, I haven’t found the billiard room and the sauna — I think they’ve been shuttered. There is, however, a bowling alley on the fourth floor. So they get bonus points for that. But I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning and checking into a new hotel.

Oh, and I just got a phone call asking if I wanted a massage. Good times. Perhaps that’s what Lonely Planet meant by “first-class” service.